The Demise of Gluteus Maximus

The Demise of Gluteus Maximus

As I approach year number 75 in my life, I recently realized there is a part of me that “is not what it used to be.”  That part is in a period of demise.  It was a part of my anatomy I took for granted for most of my life and did not fully appreciate its full range of human accoutrements until the past few years.  One of its vital roles has become increasingly significant.

All humans and most other bipeds are born with one of these anatomical parts and it serves a similar function for most of them.  If you have not already figured this out from the title, I'm writing about the buttocks, the two rounded portions of the anatomy, located on the posterior of the pelvic region of primates. 

Before I digress further into this personal account, permit me to share some salient commentary from Wikipedia on this amazing anatomical feature.

"It is comprised of a layer of fat superimposed on the gluteus maximus and gluteus medius muscles. Physiologically, the buttocks enable weight to be taken off the feet while sitting.  In many cultures, they play a role in sexual attraction.^[1]  Many cultures have also used the buttocks as a primary target for corporal punishment,^[2] as the buttocks' layer of subcutaneous fat offers protection against injury while still allowing for the infliction of pain. There are several connotations of buttocks in art, fashion, culture and humor, and the English language is replete with many popular synonyms that range from polite colloquialisms ("posterior" or "bottom") to vulgar slang.” Thanks Wikipedia!  So now that we’ve all got the picture, let me continue the epic. 

During most of my 75 years, this portion of my anatomy has served me well.  It has provided relief for my legs and feet as I sat comfortably on many varied surface conditions, a nice layer of fatty tissue and muscle providing protection for the nerve tissue and bony pelvis. 

Although memory fails me, I’m sure it provided a nice perch as I sat on my mother’s hip as she carried me around as an infant.  Even into adulthood as a parent and public-school educator, it provided some comfort for those long hours on bleachers at football, basketball and baseball games.  And for those of you who remember the “out house” it provided some degree of comfort and insulation from the cold, hard boards of those memorable early waste treatment facilities.

Although not mentioned by Wikipedia, this anatomical bump has also served as an “anchor point” for supporting my pants.  I would simply cinch my belt at the waist and my pants would drape securely in that position.  Whether walking, stooping, bending, or squatting, everything stayed in place.  Unfortunately,  in recent years this life-long ritual has ceased to work properly.  Most any movement causes my pants to slide down below my buttocks. 

Even though “sagging britches” seems to be a fashion statement of young adults and teens, I find it a great nuisance and a bit unbecoming for a man approaching age seventy-five.  A crescent, quarter or half-moon may be a somewhat intriguing visual anomaly on a young person, but not on seniors.  I’m reminded of my brother-in-law, some ten years my senior.  He encountered this “sagging britches” phenomenon some years back.  One Sunday he shocked and amused his fellow congregants, as his pants dropped to his ankles the moment he rose from his kneeling bench to a standing position, revealing a “full moon” to nearby worshipers.

My concern over this new phenomenon led to a visual examination of my profile in the bathroom mirror.  A brief ocular examination quickly revealed that my former rounded bottom now appears virtually flat.  A true demise from its former self.

I got to thinking the other day, if Satan had not tempted Eve in the garden of Eden I would not have this problem.  Here's my logic, the Lord in his great omniscient wisdom did not put clothing on his original creations, they moved about the Garden in their natural skin.  Only after their disobedience, were their eyes opened and they saw their nakedness.  Thus, the Lord in his merciful and benevolent spirit,  fashioned the first “fig leaf” clothing, probably some type of tunic that slipped over their heads and draped from their shoulders.  As time evolved, some fashionista moved men into pants with a belt and dresses have continued to be the fashion for female humans for centuries.  Some of our fellow animal bipeds  still only wear their natural skin.  Of course, they apparently didn’t eat the forbidden fruit.  As a result, their nakedness is not apparent to them and their original God-designed skin still works for them.

Despite my regrets over Adam and Eve’s error in judgment, the reality is, my pants keep slipping over my flat butt. 

Fortunately for you, an end to this epic tail seems to be in sight.  Thanks to an invention that dates back some three centuries, “suspenders” have come to my rescue.  There have been several precursors to suspenders throughout the past 300 years, but modern suspenders were first invented around 1820 by Albert Thurston. “Thank you Albert!” Suspenders were once almost universally worn, due to the high cut of mid-nineteenth and early twentieth century trousers that made a belt impractical.  There is a strong probability there will be a marked resurgence in the popularity of suspenders as the male Baby Boomers age into their senior years and experience the demise of Gluteus Maximus.

Today, I own a pair of black suspenders for my work pants with hooks that attach to my belt.  I have another pair of gray striped ones, purchased at Tractor Supply that clip to the pants waist band.  Both work very well and give me security and peace of mind as I work around the yard or make shopping trips to town.  I know that no matter how much I bend, stoop, squat, or reach up; my suspenders will not let the moon rise; permitting an an old man to maintain his dignity.

Pondering life in my idle moments,

 Phil Kindred, June 2017

Signs of Winter




Photo Courtesy of M & D Hills Photography - New Years Day @ GSMNP

The early days of January have arrived.  Nighttime temperatures dip below freezing and mid-day temps rise to above freezing, often to the mid-forties, this fluctuation triggers the sap to begin flowing in maple trees.  Our Jefferson County neighbors, the Valentines who live over in Deep Springs, tap about 70 maple trees and drip by drip the sap accumulates and is collected. They gather and store the sap until they have enough to cook down in the evaporators to produce a sweet table syrup. It takes about 40 gallons of raw sap to make 1 gallon of pure maple syrup.   It is a wonderful and amazing product of nature; so when the maple saps begins flowing it's a sure sign of winter.

 

Some folks still use a drip tap w/ open bucket or jar, but today, most use a tap with an attached plastic hose connected to a covered 5 gallon bucket.



 Just down the road the other day I couldn’t help but noticed a farmer putting out large round bales of sweet summer hay for his livestock.  Another sure sign that January is here and we are in the grip of winter.  All forage grass has stopped growing and the animals require more supplemental feed.  I’m glad last summer was a good haying season.  Seems like most of our farmer neighbors have a good supply of hay on hand this winter.

Looking out our sunroom windows I watched the birds feeding yesterday at our feeders and suet block.  Just a few weeks ago I could fill both feeders and it would last almost a week before being emptied.  But, when the temperatures dip below freezing the bird’s appetites increase and the feeders can empty in two days or less.  


                    

Cardinals, house finches, gold finches, black-capped chickadees, juncos, titmouse, Downy woodpeckers and red bellied woodpeckers are the primary visitors eating the seeds and suet.  Their hearty appetites are another sure sign that winter has definitely arrived.

                   

 

Peering down at the goldfish in our “Mountain Stream” pond I notice they are hardly moving; another signal that winter has arrived.  They simply seem to hang suspended in the cold icy waters, moving just enough to pass water over their gills to sustain life.  On a sunny afternoon I sometimes see them “grazing” on the algae growing on the sides of the pond.  I never feed them in any season, they subsist on what the pond provides and some of them are 10 years old.  It is amazing how they slow their metabolism this time of year and maintain life until the water warms again in spring.  Even when a layer of ice coats the pond surface, locking them beneath; they patiently endure winter, awaiting spring.



Little movement during the winter months, but they survive and thrive.

The neighborhood red-tail hawks also seem more evident this season of the year.  There are no leaves on the trees to conceal them and they are so easy to spot as they soar overhead awaiting an opportunity to dive earthward.  I often see them perched on a tree snag along the perimeter of soybean and wheat fields that are part of a neighbor’s dairy farm operation.  They perch in absolute stillness, occasionally moving their head, watching for movement of mice in the empty stubble-covered fields.  Hunting is serious business for our hawks in the winter season.  It is all about survival.



And of course inside our house we have the “snowmen.” They have been out of their storage boxes since November.  They helped decorate the place for Christmas, but here in early January, most “Christmas stuff has been placed back in the storage boxes” awaiting Christmas 2015. 

 

An old favorite, hand-made 
by a retired teacher.

A cookie jar snowman.

 But not the snowmen, you’ll still find snowmen sitting on shelves, mantles, hearths, window sills, corner cupboards, the kitchen counter, bathroom counters, tables, plant stands and any other nooks or crannies that provide a place to sit or stand.

 



They sit with their happy faces, perpetually smiling at us until late February or early March.  The weather determines how long they visit.  Warm weather in February means an early departure to their off-season storage boxes; cold weather into March, assures their continued presence. 

 

These are some of our favorites.
 

I guess one of the reasons we keep them around so long is their happy demeanor.  That joyful face and talisman for snowy weather adds some joy to the short daylight hours and often sunless days of the winter months.



The "Mitford" Snowmen enjoy the warm glow of a candle.

Yes, winter has arrived and staked out a claim on East Tennessee; spring does not officially arrive until March 20, 2015.  So I’m going to take some lessons on how to survive winter from my friends in nature and the snowmen. 

This winter I think I’ll eat more nuts and grains like the birds, move less quickly like the fish, have maple syrup on my pancakes, and enjoy looking at the bare stubble fields like the hawks.  I’ll also try to keep a smile on my face and wait expectantly for a good snow! 

After all, winter is just another season and it too will soon pass.

Happy New Year all you ramblers.....enjoy the winter months!

Christmas Lights

This year, November 30^th ushers in the Advent Season, a time when we focus on the traditions of Christmas and the “reason for the season,” the birth of Jesus Christ.  Counting down the days until Christmas we often get distracted from its real meaning by the frenzied pace of Christmas preparation; parties to attend, shopping for presents and even church activities can dilute our focus from the true meaning.  So in my pre-Christmas rambling thoughts, the lights of Christmas got me to thinking and here is what fell out of my head this week.

Attempting to describe God is always a struggle with the limitations of language.  One of the most powerful word descriptors for God is found in the Bible.  In these scriptures, God and Christ are often referred to as “light.”  Maybe that is why Christmas lights have become such a big part of our religious as well as our secular Christmas traditions.

Glenmore Mansion in Jefferson City, TN (Dec 2013)

Considering God and Light

·         You cannot see light with your eyes, but only see objects as light reflects off of them.
o       Just as we’ve never seen light,  we have never seen God, but
o       God’s indwelling spirit allows us to reflect Him so that others might see God through us, or that we may see God in others.
·         In the absence of light, darkness surrounds us.
o       People, who live without God, essentially “live in darkness” and are “blind” to life’s real meaning.
o       Even when our faith is weak, somewhat like a small candle in a large dark room, God’s presence pushes the darkness away, creating a circle of light around us.
·         Light is multi-faceted, composed of different wavelengths which when separated by a prism displays the many different colors of the light spectrum.
o       God is like that.  He is multi-faceted and touches each life in a unique way.  He is not limited to any social status, race, color or creed of humanity.
·         Light can only pass through things that are transparent.  Opaque substances block all light.   Depending on the substance, light may transmit as translucent or transparent.
o       Like light, God’s spirit can shine through us as well.
o       Ask yourself, “Does God reveal himself to others through me?”
§         Am I transparent (transmitting a clear image of God),
§         Am I translucent (transmitting a fuzzy image of God), or
§         Am I opaque (transmitting no image of God)?

I John 1:  5-7 (21^st Century King James Version)

5)  This then is the message which we have heard from Him and declare unto you:  that God is light, and in Him is no darkness at all.  6)  If we say that we have fellowship with Him, and walk in darkness, we lie, and do not the truth.  7)  But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship one with another, and the blood of Jesus Christ His Son cleanses us from all sin.

II Corinthians 4:4 (New Living Translation)

4)      Satan, who is the god of this world, has blinded the minds of those who don’t believe.  They are unable to see the glorious light of the Good News.  They don’t understand this message about the glory of Christ, who is the exact likeness of God.

 

Grand staircase of Glenmore Mansion (Nov 29, 2014)

The season of lights has begun and I am enjoying the lights of Christmas again this year as we decorate our own home and as we drive around our community.  Here’s hoping that the lights of Christmas remind us of Jesus Christ, God’s true light.  Jesus is truly the light of the world.  He can illuminate a dark world or a dark heart, but only if we seek him.

Tree in front room at Glenmore Mansion (Nov. 29, 2014)

Now, let's ramble and enjoy the Christmas Season!

DIY Time Warp

For some reason I’ve always been a DIY type of person.  Raised by my grandmother Johnson, I was taught to be independent and take care of things around the house.  The primary motivator back in those days was economics, not HGTV.  As an adult, the DIY complex has almost been a curse at times when I should’ve called a “fix-it guy” rather than doing it myself.  I’ve always tried to “build things” or “remodel things” or use “wire and bailing twine” to keep something operational.

During all of my projects, many a time I’ve dropped a screw, nut, or nail as I worked on a widget.  I’ve most always searched for those dropped objects, but many times those nuts, nails or screws simply vanished…never to be found.

Over the years I’ve often thought about where those objects disappeared to.  Now I know most of you are saying, they just fell in a crack, a hole, or bounced under a board.  But I’m not so sure the answer is that simple.  Most of you are probably aware of one of the universal laws a DIY person encounters regularly, the Law of Gravity:  Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.  Well, this certainly happens, but this law only accounts for those objects that I look for and find.  The ones that simply vanish call for a much deeper analysis.

I’ve been building my theory since the original Star Trek series premiered on TV back in 1966.  That show certainly gave me some things to ponder.  Remember how the crew members would step into the “transporter room” and be “beamed” to another location, or “beamed back aboard” the Starship when they got in a tight fix on the planet below?  Moving objects through space…..could it be possible?  Then the “Back to the Future” movies and others such sci-fi stories planted the seeds of “slipping through a crack in today’s reality to another point in time.”

Then there are other times when I forget science and ponder the mysteries of my faith.  The Biblical concept of a physical body that also has an invisible soul provides even additional fodder for consideration.  Do body and soul reside in parallel universes, one physical and visible, the other spiritual and invisible?  

All these thoughts came full circle this past week as I began another DIY project in our sun room.  Plans were to put some bead board on the ceiling, so I began the prep work of moving furniture and taking down all the decorative elements in the room.  One step involved removing the ceiling fan before I began nailing the bead board strips to the ceiling.  This small mechanical exercise involved removing a few screws that held the fan blades to the fan motor and then removing the motor and electrical connections.  Pretty simple stuff, but boy did it help me solve my life-long wondering about what sometimes happens to screws when they are dropped and simply vanish.

 



Here I'm putting the fan back up after installing the bead board,
but this is about the same process as when I took screws out and one vanished.

The floor of the sun room is vinyl tile with an oval area rug in the center.  The fan hangs directly above the oval rug and a wicker coffee table is beneath the fan.  I’d removed two fan blades successful and captured all screws.  On the third blade I removed screw number one and had screw number two on the way out when I dropped it.  I looked down from my perch on the step ladder just in time to see the screw hit the oval rug and take a bounce under the coffee table.  No doubt about where this screw had landed I thought, so I stepped down from the ladder and looked under the coffee table.  No screw in sight.  I broadened my search, feeling with my hands and looking at every conceivable place the screw could have bounced and hidden.  No luck.    I picked up the oval carpet and shook it to see if I could dislodge a screw hiding some place in the weave.  No luck!  That shiny steel screw had completely vanished and was not to be found in that 12’ x 16’ sunroom space. 

 

It seemed impossible that the screw had simply vanished, but suddenly it hit me.  “I know what happened,” I said to my wife, “It fell through a time warp, you know, a crack in time.”  She laughed heartily, but didn’t offer any better explanation.  “You’ll find it sometime,” she said.  No chance of that I thought, it's in another time dimension and invisible from our time perspective.

After all these years of dropping screws, nuts and bolts, I finally saw this one hit the floor and bounce under the coffee table.  It made no sound as it hit the carpet, it simply bounced into a 'crack in time' and vanished.   Finally, after all these years, I'd seen one of these disappearing events with my own eyes; positive proof that physical objects can totally vanish and slip from real time into an invisible dimension.  I know, you are probably chuckling to yourself or even laughing out loud by now, but I doubt you’ve got a better analysis. 



About half way putting up the bead board, still no screw found.

My wife thought we'd find it as we worked, but after about a week's work in the sunroom; removing all the furniture, vaccuming, mopping, and checking all the baseboards and cracks, the fan screw is still missing.  It vanished!

So, laugh if you want, but I’ll rest in the belief that the proof will come someday.  When the time comes for me to slip through life’s time warp and step into a great new dimension of eternal time and space I’m sure I’ll find the evidence.  No doubt, one of the first things I’ll see in that new universe will be a vast room full of nuts, bolts, nails and screws. No doubt about it, I'll find the fan blade screw there among the many others in a giant pile of screws, nuts and nails that were dropped by a bunch of Do-It-Yourselfers when they were working on their projects.

 

Now if by chance you slip through the time warp before I do, the screw you need to look for looks like the one in the photo below.  See if you can figure how to slip it back through the time warp and I'll put it back in the fan.

 

 

Here is what it looks like.

It fits in a bracket like this one.



Now while we still have time on this side...…….let’s ramble!

Hidden Colors

View of Mt. Cammer from Foothills Parkway, Cosby, TN

It has been a beautiful fall here in East Tennessee.  It seems it took a bit longer for the trees to come into their full colors, but for the past several weeks they have been providing vivid and dynamic colors.  Here it is the second week of November and there is still much color in the neighborhood.  One day this past week as I drove home from town admiring the yellows, oranges and reds of maples, hickories, gums and sumac, I decided once again that the fall is my favorite season……at least until spring.

At my core I love nature and I still carry some of my life science curiosity, questioning and training from my college years as a biology/forestry major.  Each fall as I observe the leaves changing from their many shades of green to their many shades of color I can’t help but remember the science behind the transformation from green to a rainbow color pallet.



Our "Tree House" Maple

                                        

 

My daughter-in-law, Mimi, and I were talking a few weeks back as the color transformations began.  She was speculating about how weather or climatic factors influence the quality of the annual foliage display.  At that point, my old plant physiology factoids merged into our conversation when I said, “You know those colors are there in the leaves all summer, you just can’t see them due to the chlorophyll; and it’s the change in shorter days and longer nights that triggers the appearance of colors.”

Later when I had some second thoughts about the accuracy of my comment, I did a quick fact check with the National Arboretum website and found that my memory of plant physiology was almost correct. 

 

Here is the scoop.  The green of the chlorophyll normally masks the yellow pigments known as xanthophylls and the orange pigments called carotenoids — both become visible when the green chlorophyll is gone. These colors are present in the leaf throughout the growing season. Got that part right.  The red and purple pigments come from anthocyanins. In the fall anthocyanins are manufactured from the sugars that are trapped in the leaf. In most plants anthocyanins are typically not present during the growing season. I'd forgotten about how the reds get there. 

Eventually all the color pigments break down in light or when they are frozen. The only pigments that remain are tannins, which are brown.

Along the Foothills Parkway near Cosby, TN

Well, three out of four ain’t too bad I guess. At any rate, the colors begin appearing when triggered by the seasonal transition to shorter days, longer nights and cooling temperatures.  In short, it’s the “change” that brings out the colors.

So, as I drove home that day and admired the colors again I thought about the “hidden colors” of the trees.  The hidden pigments of yellow, orange and brown are there during the green summer season and reds appear later due to the sugars trapped in the leaf. It is only when the green pigments of chlorophyll begin to breakdown, photosynthesis ceases and sugar content increases; that the brilliant colors of autumn are able to show through the greens of summer.

The thought occurred to me that people are like deciduous trees in some respects.  I’ve heard it said that there is a bit of good and bad, beauty and ugliness in every one of us.  When life is generally good and we are active, productive and growing there is a dominate personality that is apparent to those around us.  They see our predominate color.  But sometimes, if we get “shook up” or there is a time of stress, change or transition, our other personality “colors” may show through.

Fortunately for us, living in the hills and mountains of Appalachia, the transition of seasons triggers some of the best and most enjoyable colors of the year in our deciduous trees. Those seasonal changes seem to bring out the brightest and most pleasant colors of the year in our native trees.

 

Another colorful view along a six mile stretch of the
Foothills Parkway connecting Cosby, Tn with I-40.

As I experience my own transition times in the seasons of life; when my days grow shorter and the nights are cooler, so to speak, here’s hoping that I will display some of my best and most pleasant colors in the autumn of life. 

May we all hope to show the colors of love, joy, peace, kindness, goodness, gentleness, self-control and long-suffering.  May they be visible to those around us, adding some color to the day.

Sumac

Now, let’s ramble and enjoy what’s left of this fall season!

Honeysuckle, Johnson Grass & Politicians

This past week Becky and I took a short trip down to our local City Hall to participate in “Early Voting” for the 2014 General Election.  We like to vote early because it frees us from having to run the gauntlet of candidates pitching for your vote if  you vote on Election Day.

Having entered the local political fray a few years ago I am blogging this week with a small degree of experience based wisdom and a dose of empathy for candidates and all Americans who must suffer through these election cycles.

Every two to four years, local and state public officials must campaign for election or re-election.  The ordinary citizen has no trouble knowing when this is about to happen because the roadsides, intersections, yards, and vacant lots suddenly become filled with “yard signs.”  These signs spring up like weeds that grow alongside the highways and county roads. 

As we drove to City Hall this week, we had no trouble finding the place because the closer we came, the more "Yard Signs" signs we found alongside the roads. 

 

 

 

 As we neared City Hall, the signs got bigger and bigger. 

 

 

There was even a big sign outside the polling site that told me that I had arrived and
 I was to VOTE HERE! 

 The entry door was also plastered with additional signage that provided warnings to candidates, felons, and consequences for three kinds of illegal voting, should someone be so foolish.

 

Enter here to vote, but read the fine print!

Just inside the entrance was a long table with the twelve pages of this year's ballot.  There are a lot of judges listed this year and you have the option of voting to  "RETAIN" or to 'REPLACE" each one.



Next, we had to show our voter registration card and photo ID to actually get the papers that allowed us to approach the electronic voting machines.

 On the actual voting machine screen you had to scroll through twelve pages and read carefully to know where to place you “X” mark for the candidate(s).  Voting is not really that difficult although at times it seems like you are running an obstacle course. 



Phil using the only power he has to impact local and state government!

 

But of all the signs we saw on the way to vote, the ones that really got me to thinking were these!

 


Honeysuckle, Johnson Grass and Political Candidates may have some things in common!

Yep, just down the road from my house I found these “Yard Signs” planted right in the middle of, and most appropriately, a big patch of Honeysuckle vines and Johnson Grass.  How interesting I thought, there's a good possibility some of them have much in common with those plants.

x    Most are perennial; they just keep coming back season after season, cycle after cycle.

x    Sometimes they can look pretty nice and smell sweet, but given too much time they can become invasive, aggressive and cover up the good stuff.

x     If you take just a casual look, their outward appearance can be pleasing to the eye and they don't appear to be too threatening.  But if you ignore them for a while and later try to remove them, you'll find they've grown powerful roots and will hold tight to where they are attached.

x    Ever try to get rid of Honeysuckle or Johnson Grass?  Pretty dang hard since it spreads from seeds and has roots that run deep.  I've been gardening on the same plot of ground for 30 years and I still fight Johnson grass every year.  I did finally eradicate the Honeysuckle, but the it took years.

x    Ever try to get rid of a politician who has been "planted" more than one term?  Pretty dang hard since the longer they stay in office the stronger their grip on the system.

 

Come to think of it, if you leave Johnson Grass and Honeysuckle alone the stuff will simply take over the landscape.  Often the same thing is true of political office holders.  If they stay in office too long they sorta take over. 

I will have to admit, not all of my political acquaintances fit in with my plant analogy.  There are a few public officials who continue to  "fight the good fight" and bloom like beautiful wildflowers even when surrounded by Honeysuckle and Johnson grass.  Thank you for your public service!

Oh well, you see where I rambled as I looked at the “Yard Signs,” Honeysuckle and Johnson grass on my way to vote this week.

The American system of government has its flaws, warts, and weeds, but it is still one of the best governance systems ever envisioned.  It is an amazing framework because it continues to work in spite of lack luster and self-serving politicians.  Unfortunately, it could work so much better if the “average citizen” would pay more attention to what is going on and keep office holders accountable.

Remember the definition of REPUBLIC: 

A state in which the supreme power rests in the body of citizens entitled to vote and is exercised by representatives chosen directly or indirectly by them.

Based on the definition, the only real power you and I have for holding elected officials accountable is our individual vote, so don't fail to use your personal power this year.  Ramble on down to your local polling precinct and cast you vote!

Let's help control those officials who are similar to Honeysuckle and Johnson grass......if you know what I mean.
 

GO VOTE EARLY!

2014 Early Voting:  July 18 – August 2

Election Day:  August 7, 2014

 

Until next time, keep rambling!